the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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