I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
