I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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