Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
