Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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