I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
