so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
