There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
