Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
