Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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