mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
