oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Randomize
