It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
