I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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