So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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