Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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