help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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