Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
