she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
