I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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