Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
