SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
