If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
