Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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