Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
