why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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