We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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