Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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