Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize