That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize