you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
