I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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