3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You're like the curious george of whores
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
