How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We named our party play list daddy issues
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
