Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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