There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
