I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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