Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
