hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
