she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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