We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
