can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
