I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
