we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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