I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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