Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
