I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
