if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize