Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
