I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
