I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
