he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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