My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
