I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
