but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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