he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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