i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
