You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it because I queefed?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
