is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
