I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
