but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
